Saturday, September 22, 2012

21. September 2012

I felt so helpless, I didn't know what to do, I didn't want to go, maybe there was still hope, first I was a bit scared, but then sad! I tried to stay calm, just take another metro and drive away. Try to think clearly! You don't even know him! Why do I start to shake and cry?? Why do I feel so horrible? 
I saw it often on TV. But today in real. 
I saw the tube arraving, already taking a step forward and ready to get in, but suddenly I saw someone with a green jacket jumping in front of it, everybody around him took one step behind and you could here scared voices.
My first thought was "Great! Why exactely my tube at this time?" But as I realised, that there was a real person committed suicid right in front of my eyes I felt sad. Suddenly this helpless feeling arose in me, like in one of my nightmares.
I didn't know what to do, I watched the tube driver turning off the engine, wondern if he saw it already more then once, because of his calm behavior.
Shortly after that men in high visibility vests and walkie-talkie were running around, telling us we have to leave the station.
A woman were standing next to the place were the man lies under the tube, saying to the men "he is here!" Like it is just a piece of meat. 
I went to the other side, hoping just to take the next tube to the other direction and change the line, but the tube didn't stop. Now you could here an automatic voice saying, we have to leave the station. 
On my way out a men of the metro crew shouted at another who was just putting his phone back into his jeans "He really do not need that! Taking a photo!". Unbelievable!
I was a bit shocked and therefore went the wrong way, no way out here, so I had to get back and crossing line where it happend. About 6 men were standing at the tube, looking down were the men lies.

As I were finally out of the station I saw people taking photos of the red sign above the entrance saying "No entry" and recording videos from the automatic voices.
I started to cry and realised I was totally shaking, a bit angry of all the people claiming "oh again someone just jumped! Annyoing!" 

I just went anywhere, those pictures in my head and I saw it again and again, as I realised, that I have to go home. At home I talked with my parents, I wrote some of my friends, I needed to talk about it!
At the end of the day it wasn't that bad anymore, eventhough when those thoughs haven't left my mind.
But now it feels like a nightmare I had and the memories are still clear, but the feelings are fading.

Now when I take the tube I am standing with my back at the wall untill the tube arrived, watching everybody closely who stands very near at the side, thinking they might jump... 

So much about "Welcome to London".

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